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my boyfriend died of AIDS" @) N* [: s; c
我的男友死於艾滋病4 A; \) L; `# x8 I
By Dr Tan Chong Kee1 J/ {% z) P' u) g; ?5 d- `
Tan Chong Kee 博士著作; Y$ N1 x$ E" C; x
* J& R! ~* J$ I. a/ a; U" p' dIt is especially hard for gay men to grapple with AIDS because people still think that AIDS is a gay disease. But the more we try to dissociate from it, the more it haunts us like an evil spirit. Tan Chong Kee writes.
. x; m( p7 A. N! c5 \) o+ v同性戀者面对愛滋病时是异常痛苦，因為人們仍然認為愛滋病是一種属于同志社群的疾病。 但越多我們設法远离它， 它越像惡鬼困擾我們。Tan Chong Kee寫。4 s/ J' ], M- D" x
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My first boyfriend died of AIDS about two years after we broke up. I found out about it more than a year after his death, of all times and places, during the 1st Singapore AIDS conference in 1998, when a mutual friend, a Taiwanese representative to the conference, asked me out to lunch, and dropped the bomb shell.
7 e8 J8 i8 H% Y( h4 H( w我的第一個男朋友在我們分手後二年死於愛滋病。我是在他死后一年才知道， 在1998年第1届新加坡愛滋病會議期間， 當一個共同的朋友，一個臺灣代表到會議， 邀请我吃午餐， 并扔下了计时炸彈。
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) H: E% m1 ~# q7 _( L' i2 C0 NMy first thoughts were: He must have already been HIV+ when we first met. Thank God we were always safe. And I better get tested tomorrow.3 j, n" {. B; _ C
我的第一想法是： 他一定已經是HIV+，當我們第一次认识时。 感謝上帝，我們總是奉行安全性行为。 我明天应该第一时间去做艾滋病測試。
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4 O/ X+ G7 @7 A1 W5 rImmediately after that, a wave of sadness came over me. Naturally I was sad because someone I knew and was close to had died. But underneath that was an even deeper sadness. It was hard to articulate why I was so sad, but it was very clear what the sadness did. It made me totally incapable of being angry with him. My boyfriend at that time was livid. He thought it was utterly irresponsible for my ex to hide his HIV status from me. I could have been infected.
# w' T( Z' t `6 [2 ~/ Y在那之後，悲傷波浪向我袭击而來。 我是哀傷的，因為我认识及亲密的人已病逝。 但在那之下是更深刻的悲傷。很难明確知道我為什麼这样哀傷，但确非常清楚知道为什麼悲傷。这让我完全不能怪咎与他。 我男朋友当时的脸色是蒼白的。他認為我的前男友向我隐瞒他患有HIV是非常不負責任的行为。我可能被傳染了。3 E1 i% ]4 r8 U$ t. \0 u% [4 \
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He was right. But all I wanted to do, was to gather all the photographs I had of him, put them into an album, and look at them anew, wondering what he was thinking and feeling at those times, smiling into the camera with me by his side, and knowing his days were numbered.% ]4 _: D2 `. L4 M- o
他是对的。 但我想做的是将我们过去一起所拍的照片會集起来， 放入相冊内， 重新体验它们， 想知道他当时的想法及感受，照相機所捕到有我在身旁的幸福， 并且知道他在一天天数着他所剩下的日子。。。。。
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Why didn’t he tell me the truth about his HIV status? He was a medical doctor. He kept telling all our mutual gay friends to get tested. He taught me all about safe sex when I first came out. So why couldn’t he tell me he was positive?
/ @4 f/ t1 y& \4 t/ J" Y4 u- G為什麼他沒有告訴我關於他的HIV真相？ 他是一位醫生。他不断告訴我們所认识同志朋友定期做HIV測試。 當我真正[出柜]时，他教了我所有關於安全性行为。 如此為什麼他不可能告訴他是HIV阳性呢？& k" @; f) H) k5 U% z8 X
" t) ]; g# M' SI will never know the answer. But I can guess. Would I have entered into a relationship with him if I had known this when we first met? To be perfectly honest, no. Hell no! AIDS to me then, in the early 90s was something that happened in San Francisco. It was something remote. That did not mean I didn’t take precautions, but it did mean I never thought it possible that someone I knew could be HIV+. If he had told me, I would probably have freaked out. And I guess he knew that too.$ J1 e; s" R" _; m! W
我永远不会知道答案。但我可以猜測。 如果一开始我就知道他是HIV阳性，我是否會與他開始亲密關係呢？ 坦白说，不会。 完全不可能! 愛滋病對我来说，只发生在90年代初的舊金山。它是遙不可及的事。 那并不意味着我沒有採取防范措施，但也并非意味着我不曾想过我所认识得人可能是HIV+。如果他告訴了我， 我大概会非常害怕。 我想他是知道的。 V$ _5 Z) b/ {, I
& H' k$ C/ A3 g* m6 NPerhaps you can now understand why I was so sad. The stigma of HIV was so great that he could not even share it with someone he loved. What was it like for him, to keep this secret in order to have some semblance of normality in his life? And I, together with the Taiwanese society at that time, contributed to his need for secrecy.0 } ?" m6 H- a/ e" ^$ E
或許您能現在瞭解為什麼我是很哀傷的。 HIV的恥辱极深乃至于他不敢與他愛人分享它。 他想要些什麼， 是为了保留這秘密好让他有个正常的生活？我及当时的台湾社会，造成他的隐瞒真相来保护自己。
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$ e* L& o8 a* @2 [: x, A1 eIt was very difficult to come to grips with this: I was stunned to realise years later that I was stigmatising my own boyfriend. B* X' i" Q1 h" R
開始應付此是非常難的： 我震驚體會幾年後我打烙印我自己的男朋友。6 I5 @3 m2 b$ _7 ?) W5 s3 l9 t
! @* a: M) q( ^- A' r3 ?8 TIt is especially hard for gay men to grapple with AIDS because people still think that AIDS is a gay disease. But the more we try to dissociate from it, the more it haunts us like an evil spirit. Truth is, we cannot fight homophobia without fighting stigma against HIV. One stigma feeds off the other. AIDS has been used to discredit gay people just as homophobia has been used to discriminate against people living with HIV/AIDS.- E5 @7 Y2 d1 L- H# j7 d P- H
同性戀者面对愛滋病时是异常痛苦，因為人們仍然認為愛滋病是一種属于同志社群的疾病。 但越多我們設法远离它， 它越像惡鬼困擾着我們。 事实是，我們不可能在面对同性戀恐懼症戰鬥不去克服对艾滋病所带来的恥辱。恥辱心会继续滋长恥辱心。好比艾滋病被用来否定同志社群，就如同性戀恐懼症用於歧視抹黑HIV病患者。
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+ ]0 s! n5 D6 q: m" lAnd stigmas, like taboos, are often hidden. Imagine a society who in reality is homophobic but will not admit it, preferring to think of itself as morally superior instead. They will say no, we talk about the gays openly, we are not anti-gay, just don’t hold hands in front of the kids. But we, on the receiving end, can all decipher the don’t-come-too-close-to-me grammar of “the gays” and the convenience of hiding behind “the kids.”
, I6 T5 w4 X6 y并且恥辱， 像禁忌， 經常掩藏。 想像實際上homophobic的一個社會，但不會承認它，喜歡道德上認為本身作為優勝者改為。他們將說沒有，我們公開談論同性戀者， 我們不是反快樂的， 就是不要握手在孩子前面。 但我們，在接受端，罐頭所有解密不-來太關閉對我「同性戀者」語法和便利掩藏在「孩子之後。」
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* ~3 b1 B6 @$ j1 r/ z6 EWe are just as guilty when it comes to folks who are HIV+. We know they exist, we talk about HIV every so often, but we would rather not have them come too close. How do you think our fellow gay HIV+ men feel when they decipher our hidden stigmatisation towards them?
! ?0 J Y. U( b* J& q& R8 p我們正有罪，當它來到是HIV+的夥計時。 我們知道他們存在， 我們經常談論HIV，但我們寧可沒有讓他們來太緊密。 您怎麼認為快樂HIV+人感覺的我們的傢伙他們解密我們暗藏的描繪往他們？
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8 B% L9 F- I% V( o" D. i4 c" nI remember a moment in a play that The Necessary Stage did with Paddy Chew, the only person in Singapore who has ever come out as HIV+. During the Question and Answer segment in the middle of the play, a member of the audience asked: “help me understand you, what can I do to help?” That was a magical moment. It was a moment when Paddy the actor on stage stopped being the emasculated symbol of AIDS, a promiscuous gay man, an object for observation, but became a person with feelings and needs, foibles and strengths, deserving of respect, understanding and compassion – just like everyone else.
: g J) ]! v5 y" R我在戲劇記得片刻必要的階段做了以稻嚼，唯一的人在出來了作為HIV+的新加坡。 在問與答段期間在戲劇中間， 觀眾的成員要求：「幫助我明白您，我可以做什麼幫助？」是不可思議的片刻。它是片刻，當演員在階段停下來是愛滋病的被閹割的標誌的稻時， 一個淫亂同性戀者，一個對象為觀察，但成為了一個人以感覺和需要， 弱點和力量， 該當尊敬， 理解和同情-像所有的人。& w) e0 g* I T8 E/ I9 C7 P
* h3 T/ ~" s: c* Z8 BStigmatisation runs the full gamut from very subtle to rabidly hysterical. For hysterical, try rabidly anti-gay televangelist Jerry Falwell: “AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals.” For subtle stigmatisation, what I did was a good example. At its core, stigmatisation is selfish indifference to human suffering: it’s your own fault, so stay away from me. Contrast that to: help me understand, what can I do to help?
7 l& m& c( m! ^' m6 r描繪從非常微妙跑充分的全部到狂熱歇斯底里。 為歇斯底里， 嘗試狂熱反快樂電視佈道家傑瑞.法威爾： 「愛滋病不是對同性戀者的僅上帝的處罰; 它是對容忍同性戀者的社會的上帝的處罰。」為微妙的描繪， 什麼我是一個好例子。在它的核心， 描繪是自私冷漠到人痛苦：它是您自己的缺點，如此離我遠點。 對比那： 幫助我瞭解， 我可以做什麼幫助？( H( g+ `; Y$ l* l6 h$ N, V, j
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As sexual minorities, we are well acquainted with stigmatisation. Let’s not do it to others. Few of us are hysterical, but many of us stigmatise PLWHA so subtly that we are not even aware of it ourselves. We can do better.
+ M$ a5 \8 h" R5 E- Z, C作為性少數， 我們很好熟悉描繪。 不我們做它對其他。 少數我們歇斯底里， 但多數人的我們那麼微妙地打烙印PLWHA我們不知道甚而它我們自己。 我們可以更好做。7 W2 |+ X& L, g) ~% [
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John Manzon-Santos, Executive Director of the San Francisco-based Asian & Pacific Islander Wellness Center, gave me this idea and I would like to share it with you. If you already know someone who is HIV+, come out about him/her to your friends and family. Tell them about your HIV+ friend and help them see your friend as a person. From you, they will learn compassion and understanding rather than recoil as a way to relate to people who are HIV+. If you don’t know anyone who is positive, go and volunteer at your local HIV/AIDS organisation and soon, you too will have a HIV+ friend. If you feel coming out as gay or lesbian was hard, imagine how much harder it is to come out as HIV+. There is no need to wait for another Paddy Chew, or for the government to change its mind. How much longer do you want your friends to be living under such a heavy stigma? Do something about it today.
' C( `2 c; ~0 w5 l* a約翰Manzon-Santos，基於舊金山的亞洲&和平的島民健康中心的執行董事，給了我這個想法，并且我希望與您分享它。如果您已經知道是HIV+的人，出來關於他她對您的朋友和家庭。告訴他們關於您的HIV+朋友并且幫助他們看您的朋友作為人。從您，他們學會同情和瞭解而不是recoil作為方式與是HIV+的人關連。如果您不知道是正面的人，努力去做并且志願在您的地方HIV愛滋病組織和很快，您太將有一個HIV+朋友。如果您感到出來作為同性戀者或女同性戀者是堅硬的，想像多少更加堅硬它是出來作為HIV+。 沒有需要等待另一稻嚼，或為政府改變主意。您要您的朋友是多少更長生存在這樣一種重的恥辱之下？今天做某事對此。1 H% J+ v5 e5 _- I0 G+ J9 A7 z, `
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Dr Tan Chong Kee holds a Ph.D. in Chinese Literature from Stanford University in the United States and is one of Singapore’s best-known figures in civil society activism.
1 v: `) ?8 |1 b: q( Z; pTan Chong Kee博士拥有美國斯坦福大學中國文學博士学位，同时在新加坡是一位广为人知的民間社團行動主義活跃分子。
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0 r7 S- X# c1 u: \0 \" \9 h[ 本帖最後由 bulat007 於 2006-8-10 22:16 編輯 ] |
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發表於 2006-8-7 21:36
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